It seemed like Aimee Miller-Ott had not only done extensive
research in her field, but was passionate about it as well. I’m curious what led her to the topic of communication after divorce
and the reason for her fascination with it.
As a child of divorce, I found much of her research to be relatable. I
can distinctly recall watching my parents go through all the stages of
establishing comfortable levels of autonomy and reliance that worked for both
of them. The overwhelming message I took from the lecture was this: Divorce is
the master-balancing act. Not only do you have to monitor communication with
all parties involved, but you also have to be concerned about others’ feelings
while still reeling from your own heartbreak.
Divorced partners cannot escape desire – it’s just a matter
of whether they desire their ex-spouse, a new dating partner, or simply being
alone. If there is a mismatch in the foci of desire, then it becomes a problem
of feelings being hurt and jealousy. One partner may end up in a place of
feeling wronged and abandoned while the other feels guilty or restricted. In
this case, desire can be the unraveling of platonic love, as well as romantic
love.
It seems intuitive that the desires of one partner can
affect the desires of the other. If, for example, one partner desires a new relationship
and begins dating shortly after the divorce, their ex spouse may be prompted to
move on and desire the same thing for themselves. Conversely, if one co-parent
has a strong desire to fix the marriage, the other may feel guilty for desiring
a new relationship.
I would be interested to see how many divorced couples end
up back together. Is it possible that they’re merely attracted to their
perceived image of what being single is like? Perhaps, some marriages fall
victim to the deceptive nature of desire. After all, marriage, like love, seems
to attempt to contain and control desire. This leaves a very fertile breeding
ground for illusions of the splendor of ‘the other side’ or being single. How
many, if any, people get out of their marriage and realize that the illusion is
nothing like the reality?
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